Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Beginning of my New Beginning

Where to start, where to start? I feel like before diving into the absurd dating stories I have, I should start off with a lovely tale of two people and how they came to end their relationship.

D and I had been together for darn near four years when I told him we needed to “talk”. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows that these are the words that you NEVER want to hear. No one says “we need to talk” and then asks what you want for dinner, or if you’d like to take a trip to Mexico. No, these words are always followed by a serious relationship talk. So talk is what we did.

Our talk went lovely. We agreed we were content but weren’t passionate or supremely happy, like all the truly in love couples on tv are. So we decided to give it a couple of days and think it through and then work on making a decision. We were so very adult about it.

Anyways, the day after we had our “talk” I came home from work and found D already home, not an unusual occurrence, but he had the look of a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. This is the conversation that followed:

Me: What did you do?

D: Nothing. Why?

Me: You did something. Tell me.

D:…….. I broke the computer.

Me: What? How? Were you looking at porn? Because if you were looking at porn then you definitely had enough time to start dinner

*Remember we had been together four years, this type of conversation was normal*

D: I wasn’t looking at porn. I’m not telling you what I did. But the computer has about 300 viruses, so I turned it off. It’s broken.

Me: It was porn.

*At this point I went about making dinner and we left the conversation alone, until I served up a lovely meal of halibut, rice and roasted veggies*

Me: For real, tell me what you did.

D: No… Promise you won’t get mad?

Me: Nope.

D: Ok, but promise you won’t laugh?

Me: If I won’t promise I won’t get mad then why would I promise not to laugh?

D: *says nothing, just stares at me*

Me: Ok, just tell me. Was it gross porn?

D: IT WASN’T PORN!

Me: Sure….

D: I was googling “Mutual Breakups” to see how I should feel about our situation

Me: *stunned silence* followed immediately by laughter.

D: You promised you wouldn’t laugh

Me: No I didn’t. Eat your dinner.

And that was when we both realized that even though we went through the motions of making it work in the previous months, that we would never be together in the long run, because we were best friends, but no longer in love. This was still my best break up to date.

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This is Me!

First of all, I should let you all know that I’m just an average Jane. I work a full time job (sales), a part time job (cocktail servant), workout a few times a week (realistically, a few times a month), eat semi-healthily (I love me a grilled cheese), enjoy an active social life (beer pong anyone?), and try to be a decent human being. I also have the good grace to be decent looking. I’ve never had any complaints and often get mistaken for a university student of 23 (booya, my genes are holding strong), even though I am 22 months shy of 30, not that I’m counting or anything.

Second of all, why am I doing this? Well, let me tell you dear reader, I’m doing this because everyone needs to know that they are not alone in this ridiculous dating game called “finding the one”. Plus, you can laugh at me and feel better about your miserable love life (hopefully, yours is full of flowers and shoes and love and laughing and all that shit that I’m jealous of, though).

Third of all, How did I get here? Well, I was perfectly content in my four year relationship until I realized I wasn’t. And let me tell you, when that thought slips into your head it’s like a disease that you can’t get rid of (herpes, for example). Anyways, we obviously broke up (mutually, because I’m a boss like that), and now I’m dating (for over three years, I will add).

Last of all, with all this being said, although my life is like a comedic movie, I love my life. The things that happen in my life belong in a play, or a movie, or a novel, or on a talk show; either way, these are my stories, and it’s my life and it is sassy and shitty as all sin. Sorry not sorry.

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